Archive for the 'Hollywood' Category

Nov4th2007

I wanna be a celebrity

Published
by
geoff
1 year ago
in Hollywood and Randomness
. 0 Comments

paparazzi.jpgI want the life. I want the Malibu house. I want to impromptu vacation in Maldives. I want to be able to buy whatever I want whenever I want it. I want to be adored by millions. I want to hear my name screamed in a good way. I want a gift bag with $75K worth of stuff. I want an entourage and a body guard. Private jets are nice and $770k a month incomes are fun. I want to turn down a movie role that pays $20MM just because it won’t stretch me artistically.

I also want my every move I make watched. I wanted to be hounded by photographers and videographers. I want to be the feature story on TMZ and ET. I want to see my picture on the cover of People with a blond prostitute, an “amazed” look on my face and inset pictures of my 7 illegitimate children. I want to be rumored to be dating every Hollywood starlet at the same time (just not the Olsen twins). I want to have a wing at the Crossroads rehab center named after me.

Sounds like fun, huh. What is the price of fame? In exchange for millions (cha-CHING!) and everything that comes with it, you get to be under the microscope - especially when you are as good looking and likable as me. It doesn’t help when some of the “victims” have the intelligence level of a mushy avocado, but hey, how dumb can they be? Are they too stupid to know that we are all just poking fun and 90% of the US is waiting for that train wreck? Is it about being in the spotlight? Or do they just not care? Well, I’m here and broke while they are there and filthy rich. Wanna trade? Hmmm… The National Enquirer used to be about alien abduction and 3 headed llamas, now its totally about celebs. I miss the good ole “hoax”. How angry is the farmer in Iowa who got a proctology exam from E.T.? I wish someone would bring that back, it would always provide me with 4 minutes of entertainment while I wait on someone to keep writing a check for their groceries (its called a CHECK CARD PEOPLE! and its FREE!). Media conglomerates have launched because of “Celeb Stalking” - just waiting for them to trip. We are America, the land of entrepreneurs if you will. You have the photo wire service of X-17 that hires “illegals” and ex-gang members as contractors, and plenty of outlets that will buy them. Makes for a fun life, right? Sign me up.

So, we all live the envious life of wanting it all. But what does all encompass? Justin Timberlake (JT I am told) has every second of his love life documented with digital cameras and cell phones by people that are not working for him. Would you want that? He shows up to a Packers game with Jessica Biel on the sidelines no less and still gets captured. Where is his sanctuary? I wonder where some of these “paps” are hiding to get these shots. When you get a shot of Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn hanging out on a balcony, you have to wonder about the levels of privacy. How long was that photog waiting for that shot? Some moments, I feel sorry for them. Its only going to get worse. But is the line “comes with the territory” applicable here? You know what you are getting into?

Growing up, we used to play the hypothetical game “trade”. Would you trade 5 years of your life to be in a “Boy Band” for everything that would come with it? Money. Teeny-boppers. Mall appearances in Minnesota and Idaho. Covers of Tiger Beat. Stalkers. Fast-forward ten years on the street - “Weren’t you…?” Would you trade?

Oct23rd2007

I deserve a star on the walk of fame

Published
by
geoff
1 year, 1 month ago
in Hollywood and Marketing
. 0 Comments

yourName2a.jpgIs the Hollywood Walk of Fame for real? Do people really take this seriously? If I hadn’t seen it myself, I’d think it was some mythical place that you needed some type of credential to get in. But NO! It does exist. And its more fun when you see an absolutely hammered homeless guy piss all over someones star (true story!).

I don’t want to talk about whether it exists, but its legitimacy. Can you just buy a star? PR stunt? Xmas gift from an agent? Ricky Martin recently received his “star”, #2,351 on the boulevard recently. I’m going to make it my sparetime task to get a star. Hey, I did a voice-over for the animated series Cubix, as the DJ Robot. That’s gotta be worth something.

This past year, the walk was decorated with such screen luminaries as Erik Estrada (yes, Officer Frank Poncherelo), thespian Donald Trump, and Miss America (ooops, I mean Playboy Centerfold) Vanessa Williams. With that crew, makes me wonder - what is the criteria to get your own star? I mean, who could forget Estrada’s work on “The Surreal Life” and “Armed & Famous”? Did you know they really aired?? How about Vanessa Williams? Her body of work (no pun intended. haha - I’m funny…HI FIVE!) includes blockbusters “Johnson Family Vacation”, “A Diva’s Christmas Carol” (I heard she really got into her character), and I’m sure if you dig deep into your DVD collection, you will find a copy of “Eraser”, where she shared the screen with Ahhhnold. I believe the academy got it wrong when they bypassed this classic. You might as well line up Paris Hilton. She’s got her Emmy performance on “The Simple Life” (I think she was already recognized by AVN for “One Night in Paris”).

So, who is the selection committee? Is it the same as the MPAA rating committee? A bunch of soccer moms and PTA presidents? I mean, Big Bird and Pee Wee Herman have stars. Really? Now, here’s the confusing part, Pee Wee is a character (beee-leeeve it!). Paul Ruebens is the actor who brought Pee Wee to life (literally). So, we got a bird and a kid/man/pervert. Thank god the boulevard is balanced by the likes of Motley Crue, Kiss and Alice Cooper. Two guys that I can think of that don’t have a star - Robert Redford & Clint Eastwood. Why not? I would think their body of work and contributions to entertainment would far exceed that of Vanna White (ooohh Vanna) and Destiny’s Child (WHAT?! Didn’t they burn down houses or something?). Now, for Clint Eastwood, if you follow the Paul Ruebens philosophy, would “Dirty Harry” get the star? And would he get to blow someone away (please say Britney Spears, or at least feed her to a temperamental cougar) at the ceremony?

Anyway, so here’s your part. I want in. Here’s the nomination page. The committee doesn’t meet until next June (worky work busy bee!), so we have a little time. I need to raise $25K. Yes, you have to pay for these things. So, your dollars will be put to good use (if not, I’ll throw a big party). I promise to thank all the little people. By little, I mean those who give me money. Help now! I’m racing against Weird Al Jankovic for the beginning of 2009, so start filling out the nomination sheet!

Aug28th2007

Top-Shelf Legal

Published
by
geoff
1 year, 2 months ago
in Clowns and Hollywood
. 0 Comments

threemuskateers.jpgHere we go again. Somebody famous is in trouble. Shocker, right? I don’t think it is about right or wrong, or even if someone did it. Most of these people could be photographed or caught on video with the gun in hand, and get off with some form of tickle torture or made to eat an ice cream sundae. What it boils down to is money and what you can pay your defense team. Truthfully, how many of you out there were surprised when Paris went to jail? We had a pool going in our office on how many days she would actually spend. I was convinced that she would never see the inside of a prison, and I was “almost” right when she got sent to her cushy oasis estate for house arrest. The funny part, was when she got out. Her TV appearances were right out of the Hollywood playbook - start a womens shelter, grow up, and find religion. As of today, I’m still waiting on updates.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of time spent covering the celebs (including this space here) and we get to hear and see everything. But, when does it become reality that they are held responsible for their actions? Recently, “celebrity” Nicole Ritchie (and I use that term loosely) had to walk the line. She is our current front runner in the 2007 edition of the running of the Hollywood Prison Gauntlet. (Defending champion Mel Gibson had a scheduling conflict.) She recently posted a time of 82 minutes from check in to check out for DUI. I think I waited in line at Space Mountain longer than that! The minimum for this is suppossed to be 4 days. Here’s what perplexes me, she has a prior conviction of DUI (2003) and according to Calfiornia law, “if convicted of a DUI twice within 10 years a person faces a sentence of 90 days to a year in jail, a fine between $390 and $1,000, and a suspension of driving privileges”. Put that into the handy-dandy Hollywood legal language super computer and out pops 82 minutes. Amazing!

The betting favorite to take home the gold for the HPG is Lindsay Lohan. Lohan recently stuck a plea to 2 counts of DUI and misdemeanor possession of coke (does anyone else think the record is officially broken?) and somehow managed to get out with a slap on the wrist. The judge gave her one day in jail (again, the MINIMUM is supposedly 4 days), credit for “time served” when she was arrested (oh boo hoo! I’m sure she was blitzed and thought she was being punk’d by Ashton), and a truckload of probation. I’m positive that her one-day sentence will break the record set by Nicole Ritchie and she’ll walk away with the gold. Our experts are predicting her time will come in about 37 minutes, probably checking in at 11:53pm and out at 12:30am, without breaking a sweat. And the probation includes and alcohol education class for 18 months - for Hollywood types, its probably something equivalent to going to bartending school.

Jul26th2007

Crazy v Crazy (2007)

Published
by
geoff
1 year, 4 months ago
in Entertainment and Hollywood
. 0 Comments

kfed_vs_brit.jpgHow entertaining is this? Seriously. K-Fed vs. Brit. I’m really starting to watch this like a train wreck. I don’t think there is a day that goes buy without The Superficial or People Magazine highlighting some story revolving around these two. Well, let me take a step back, minus the speculation that K-Fed spawned another Baby K with his ex, he’s remained pretty clean in the tabloids. It really is a daily freak out by Brittany, our beloved Trailer Park Princess (or Queen of Over-Exposure, your choice). Is this some mad social science or government experiment gone awry? Give some zero talent white trash mousekateer a lot of money, build her up, then crash her career in a matter of minutes. Can you call it a career? It seems more like 15 minutes in which the battery in the watch died and just hung on 14:59. I mean her career has been supported by overly self-conscious girls and internet pedophiles. Hmmm…Lets see what happens! My guess is that Loki got the controls for a little while and is providing a lot of us with some solid entertainment.

What got me thinking of this was the reports on CNN (yes, CNN) about her OK! interview. That she was wiping fried chicken grease on a $5k dress, snaked a bunch of clothes from the photo shoot and blamed it on her assistant (classy). I know she has the paparazzi following her every move, making life so tough. Recapping from the past year - head shaving, umbrella attacking (right, auditioning for a movie part), bikini borrowing, driving with her baby in her lap, 2 stints in rehab, and the restraining order on her mom.

But is K-Fed really as dumb as he looks? (Don’t answer that - its really not a question). Shovel in hand, pile of gold in site. We all know that he’s not MENSA material, let alone the ringer on Hi-IQ. If Candyland had questions, I’m quite confident he would be stuck at “Start”. Anyway, here’s what the former backup dancer got out of it. 1) He got to sleep with Brittany in her better days. Not saying she wasn’t crazy, but she was pretty close to her peak. 2) He got an allowance that rivaled an NFL player. 3) Traveled 1st Class everywhere, with or without her. 4) A supposed settlement that ranges in the$5-10 million amount. 5) Whatever toys he managed to accumulate (which included a Ferrari, couple nice motorcycles, a watch that is worth more than my years salary) during the marriage. 6) On a somewhat different track - he staked claim to the best Super Bowl Ad this past year. That was pretty damn funny. But what is K-Fed now? The ex-Mr. Spears. A single man with 4 kids through two women (hey, it worked for Dr. J). He’s got a “name” and if he walked with any money, I’m sure its more than he had when he started.

So, who is getting the better end of the deal? Me! Because I get to laugh my ass off everyday.

Jul14th2007

Here come the Simpsons!

Published
by
geoff
1 year, 4 months ago
in Hollywood and Marketing
. 0 Comments

gf_simpson2.gifI’m super excited. I love The Simpsons. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa & Maggie have been part of the household for some 14 years and the crazy part, is that some of my friends kids are now watching The Simpsons. During college, it was a sunday night ritual

But, are you ready world? Simpsons-mania has officially arrived (well, actually a couple weeks ago). 20th Century Fox obviously has their best people on it. No matter where you turn, there’s something. Ask yourself this, how many times have you caught yourself singing “Spiderpig” over the last week (speaking from experience here people). I can only imagine the media dollars that were spent and what it cost to support this. I go on…

Let’s see, you have 7-Eleven make-overs in numerous towns (I read somewhere that it cost the slurpee shop a cool $10 Mil), special edition Vans shoes, a “Like Springfield” contest, a Samsung mobile phone (do I have to pay extra for the Homer ringtone?), xbox 360 is doing a special yellow console, Jet Blue is hosting a contest but not giving away any flights (weird!) and last but not least, a partnership with Burger King of which produced the online sensation of the day - Simpsonizeme. You can see my attempt right before your eyes, I’ll admit, a little embelishment with the hair and the six pack abs, but it came out alright. It took about 10 tries just to get my photo uploaded, and now, it says the site is down. Hmm… good one.

Is this not a little overkill? Why doesn’t Miller Lite step in for a co-branded effort with Duff beer? Basically, the only thing we are missing is a partnership with Huggies or Luvs for the Maggie line of diapers. How about Marge & Emeril whip up some Springfield style cuisine for Food Network? Maybe a Hairclub & Homer sponsorship. I digress…

My advice? Ease off the throttle a little bit 20 Centuy Fox. People will come. You have a strong brand. I think you could have limited the reach on this one and not flooded the market. Its not like the Simpson’s is a mystery - some crazy concept that you are birthing to the public (just do your best French accent - “Who are these…Simp-sons?”). Is someone going to lose their job for sticking their neck out? NOT POSSIBLE! Unless the movie is 96 minutes of Apu fixing the slurpee machine, I think it might even give Harry Potter Spiderman Transformers Die Hard a run.

So, in the meantime, I’m going to sit back with my bowl of KrustyO’s, chew and humm “Spiderpig, Spiderpig, does whatever a spiderpig does… “