Here’s what’s annoying. Brawls in sports most sports. Its very unsatisfying. Lots of shoving and bear-hugging. Unless you are Pedro Martinez and you pick on the oldest guy in the park (eh-hmmm…Don Zimmer?) and toss him to the ground with an “Ole!” move. (That was cold man, even if you were on the Red Sox at the time.)
The other night, there were a couple ridiculous fights from the boys of summer. By ridiculous I mean a waste of time. You have Gary Sheffield (shocker!) barking at Fausto Carmona. Nice. Sheff gets beaned. Hangs out at first base, running his yap. Enough eye contact and a couple I Love You’s later, he charges the mound from first. There might have been a good shot in there somewhere, and I swear, it looked like Carmona was trying to give him a noogie. But it is at this point, as with any brawl, there is about a 3-5 second window for anything to actually happen. Dugouts clear, etc… we’ve all seen it again, and again. Turns into a convention in the middle of the field but it resembles something more like a mosh pit at a Neil Diamond concert - the occasional good punch gets thrown, maybe a sucker shot sneaks in there, but nothing of real substance and lots of empty promises and “your mama” jokes. Boys will be boys, right? I think they all adopt the strategy that Adam Goldberg had in Dazed and Confused - get your shots in early and people will jump in.
So, here’s my solution. Take the NHL’s lead on this one. Let them go. Cross the line…THUNDERDOME!! When things go wrong on the ice, people pay. You try and cut the legs on my center, well, I’m going to send my human wrecking ball out there to mash your all-star left wing. Same thing here. Some idiot charges the mound, everyone grab a dance partner and keep the action going - mano y mano. There are no two-on-one fights in the NHL. Refs let it go until someone gets a clear advantage or they just tire out. Perfect. I bet, if you let the combatants go at it, you might see less beanings in baseball. Guys are always yapping about “I need to defend my teammates” or “he was crowding the plate”. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time buddy. You think Pedro (a buck 50 soking wet) is going to mow down Prince Fielder (his bio says 270… riiiiiight) with some chin music if he had to trade blows with him for 30 seconds? Not a chance. He’d curl up like a turtle. Or how about Ichiro crowding the plate against Bobby Jenks (bad example. that one could actually be interesting - Sumo vs. Ninja). And don’t think the little guys are going to suffer. Think of it like Wayne Gretzky and Marty McSorly. You nail Dustin Pedroia (like 5′6″ in cleats), he takes his base, but then the manager sends up Hulk Hogan to the plate for some justice.
So, the next time you’re at your favorite america ballpark, enjoying your beer and hotdog, remember this idea when your favorite player takes one in the ribs or in the center of the back. Don’t just point the bat, drop it and settle this, like men. THUNDERDOME!!
Hey everyone. Happy New Year.