geoffism.com

I had a little outlook reminder pop up today. My good friend Barry Bonds turned 43, and I found myself asking - “what do you get the guy that has everything?”. I mean, he has the love and admiration of baseball fans everywhere, an ex-girlfriend Kimberly Williams “telling all” and posing in Playboy, a saucy $15.8M salary (chump change!), the inspiration for the lead character in a lovely fairly tale - Game of Shadows, a reality show (oops, that got canceled) and lets not forget, endless support from the MLB commish as he pursues the greatest record in baseball. Man, this is tough.

My first thought was Tae-Bo dvd’s. Almost too perfect. I used to wake up to my roommate jamming away to these things at 6 AM. Worked wonders (yuh-huh). As Barry gets into the golden years, why not give him something he can cherish for years to come and utilize to maintain that physique. I mean, it worked for Billy Blanks. Right? Well, scratch that because Barry has Greg Anderson (who is probably teaching water aerobics in the Cal St. Penitentiary system). The next idea was a BALCO gift card. I’m normally not a gift card person. My sister once asked for a Lowe’s giftcard for X-mas, so I bought her a toilet instead, making her return it for the value. I thought the gift card would allow Barry to try something else in BALCOs product offering, but then someone told me that there is suspicion in the general public that “The Cream” and “The Clear” are steroids. WHAT?! I’m shocked. So, scratch the gift card, especially with all the suspicion that might cause.

Man…this is killing me. I take pride in my gift giving and the last thing I want to do is let Barry down.

I think I got it. Its a little off the wall, but maybe I can pull it off. I’ll call it, the “True Fans TV Dinner”. A 12-pack of PBR and a pack of Ball Park Franks. I gotta keep it cheap because all my extra money is going toward $50 game tickets and $6 beers at the game, which in effect will help pay Barry’s enormous salary. Its also reminiscent of Babe Ruth’s weekly dinner. Hell, he smacked 714 of them on booze, carbs and greasy food. Its got a little Red, White and Blue in it - maybe instill a little USA pride for Barry. Lastly, its portable. You can take it into the dugout on one of your off days. Sound good?

Anyway, Barry, Happy Birthday. Go hit your homerun. If you hit it in Chicago, do you think the fans will throw it back?